MANAGING WITHOUT BEING CO-DEPENDENT? WHAT?

Excellent concern.  After being co-dependent for as long as I can remember--living a life meeting everyone’s needs, basking in their approval and shrinking from conflict--I couldn’t imagine any other way of living.  Period.  You might as well have asked me to emigrant to a foreign country, convert to the national religion and eat foods that still had multiple legs and antennae, having been slapped on a grill and served with some kind of unrecognizable grain.  

In other words, no way.  No how.  Nada.

Think about it this way:

If you love to sing, you sing.

If you love to dance, you dance. 

If you love to read, you read. 

If you love people and hate to see them struggle, and they unload their burden on you when you are too young to understand that the burdens are not for you to carry, you become co-dependent. 

Now, fast forward:

If no one shows you what key a song is in, you risk hitting notes that are either sharp or flat.

If no one shows you how to warm up before dancing, you risk injury.

If no one shows you what books are written for your age, you might be exposed to ideas that will haunt you.

If no one shows you how to love people without their problems being your problems, you will associate love with being needed, and your life will merge into theirs.   

So, let’s return briefly to the desert, where Moses is dealing with ungrateful grumbling ex-slaves who bemoan their freedom and long to return to Egypt.  These people are classic triggers for us co-dependent people: they are endlessly needy; they want help from us but are unwilling to contribute; they make us feel needed and wanted by bewailing their situation; and they make us feel that we must help them, for no one else will.

We will view scene through the lens of how a co-dependent would react.  How we see the world as co-dependents is not healthy, but it is familiar:

That night all the members of the community raised their voices and wept aloud. All the Israelites grumbled against Moses and Aaron, and the whole assembly said to them, “If only we had died in Egypt! Or in this wilderness! Why is the Lord bringing us to this land only to let us fall by the sword? Our wives and children will be taken as plunder. Wouldn’t it be better for us to go back to Egypt?”

And they said to each other, “We should choose a leader and go back to Egypt.” (Numbers 14:1-4)

I would have stepped in and said, “I will help you!”  I would have spent the whole evening telling them how maybe Egypt was not so bad; how we can cope if we have a better attitude; maybe we should move on and find another place to go.  

In other words, I would have avoided the heart of the problem, because I hate conflict:  These people are rebelling against God.  Period. 

Look at the leaders’ reaction: 

Then Moses and Aaron fell face down in front of the whole Israelite assembly gathered there. Joshua son of Nun and Caleb son of Jephunneh, who were among those who had explored the land, tore their clothes and said to the entire Israelite assembly, “The land we passed through and explored is exceedingly good. If the Lord is pleased with us, he will lead us into that land, a land flowing with milk and honey, and will give it to us. Only do not rebel against the Lord. And do not be afraid of the people of the land, because we will devour them. Their protection is gone, but the Lord is with us. Do not be afraid of them.” (Number 14:5-9)

Joshua and Caleb are stunned.  Moses and Aaron are utterly devastated by the people’s reaction.  Not because of people’s anger against them but how the people are blaspheming God by their insinuation that all the mighty deeds He performed are going to lead to their demise.  In other words, they will not trust Him nor His leaders, despite all He has done for them.

In other words, they prefer the sinful land of Egypt with its slavery to a pagan people who have a god for everything, over serving the One True God.

Whoa.  This is an insult to God of the highest degree.   The way the leaders are responding shows that they understand how treasonous the people are being. 

The land is good.  God is good.  Obedience to Him will lead to success and blessing.  The people in the Land are no match for the people of God—Egypt was a demonstration of that  truth over and over. Would I have been willing to call the people out as did Joshua and Caleb?  Rebellion is sin, pure and simple.  Am I willing to call out a sin in someone when God calls me to?  Unbelief is a sin, and comes from a rebellious heart.  This heart says, “I don’t need You, God.  I will go my own way, do my own thing and then blame You when it all goes south.”  

Belief in God’s Son Jesus, His death, burial and resurrection is the core of the Gospel.  The Gospel tells us how God is satisfied and how we enter into the truth of His Son.  Look how the writer of Hebrews puts it:

Therefore, since the promise of entering his rest still stands, let us be careful that none of you be found to have fallen short of it. For we also have had the good news proclaimed to us, just as they did; but the message they heard was of no value to them, because they did not share the faith of those who obeyed.  Now we who have believed enter that rest, just as God has said,

‘So I declared on oath in my anger,
    ‘They shall never enter my rest.’

And yet his works have been finished since the creation of the world.  For somewhere he has spoken about the seventh day in these words: “On the seventh day God rested from all his works.”  And again in the passage above he says, “They shall never enter my rest.”

Therefore since it still remains for some to enter that rest, and since those who formerly had the good news proclaimed to them did not go in because of their disobedience, God again set a certain day, calling it “Today.” This he did when a long time later he spoke through David, as in the passage already quoted:

‘Today, if you hear his voice,
    do not harden your hearts.’

For if Joshua had given them rest, God would not have spoken later about another day.  There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God; for anyone who enters God’s rest also rests from their works^] just as God did from his. Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will perish by following their example of disobedience. (Hebrews 4:1-11)

That sinning in the desert provides a rich lesson for us co-dependents, for if a person is actively or even passively refusing to believe in what God has provided, when we step in and try to mitigate the consequences of their choices, we are getting in the way of that person being confronting by the Holy Spirit as to what they are doing. 

That’s a lot to consider, because our motives are good.  But good motives never saved anyone.  The Holy Spirit’s calling the heart of a person, which may take years and years, is the only way someone truly feels conviction and repents.  If Joshua and Company had settled for a quick fix to the people in the desert, and either took them back to Egypt, downplayed how rebellious they were being toward God or settled in the desert itself, bypassing the Promised Land altogether, how different would the world be today.

God had a plan to use His chosen people to bring forth His Son: the Messiah, the ultimate Joshua, the Deliverer, the One who would lead us into the Promised Land, which is dwelling in the presence of His Father and the Holy Spirit dwelling in us.  I am grateful for such powerful and non-compromising leaders that stood in the desert against the people and their sin.  We, as believers, benefited from such obedience.  

How do we start re-examining the world and all its neediness without automatically jumping into, “Oh, let me help you /rescue you /make your life better/ignore your choices/not call out the truth!”  Good question.

Let’s start with the verses immediately following the above verses about rebellion, unbelief and sin:

For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account. (Heb. 4:12-13)

God’s Word has the power to inform us as to how to pursue the right course.  It is animated by God’s own Spirit, and keeps us grounded when we want to read off our own script. We do not face this process alone.  Check out the next verses right after this:

Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. (Heb. 4:14-16)

Another “Whoa!” 

Jesus is always there to assist us on how to navigate those moments when we try to meet everyone’s needs, with no questions asked, and we start to feel burdened and resentful. What do we do then?

• Stop
• Say, “I will get back to you on this.”
• Go to the Word
• Go to Jesus
• Wait
• Listen
• Apply the truth you have been shown by His Spirit 

No quick fixes here.  No jumping in.  No sense of “I must do this for this person.”  (Has God told you to do this?  Or are you just reacting?)

God, through His Son, has led us into His Sabbath-rest.  There are many who wander in the desert (Christians included) who would rather grumble, mumble, question God and blame others for their lives than confront the truth:  they are sinning.  They love yanking us out of our Sabbath-rest and making us wander with them. 

Whew.  We will keep going next time, and pursue how we will manage: by looking closely at Jesus. 

It's Lonely at the Top

When we reorient our lives away from co-dependency, it is a tough journey.  When we are not constantly trying to meet others' needs, we feel mean, unchristian, selfish and distant.  For us, those feelings are emotional "flu"--we feel a chronic kind of terrible. 

We are not bad people--our hearts are kind and we enjoy see others succeed.  But just like the frog who sat in the pot of water as it slowly came to a boil, we do not see the toxic relationship we are in until we are in too deep and extricating ourselves out of it will be painful and slow. 

So, when we decide to pursue a life without constantly trying to:

• win others' approval
• avoid conflict at all costs
• figure out and then fix others' problems
• be available 24/7 to listen to someone's never-ending tale of woe
• clean up the messes others have made
• control every situation
• control how others react to you
• allow for others' faults but critical of your own...

...we will find it's lonely at the top.  Let me share with you a recent experience I had.  I find that when God allows you to share wise counsel with others, He wants you to incorporate it into your own life as well.  My teaching on co-dependency have really hit home. 

About a year ago, I started attending a church.  It was a relief.  I had just come through a church with a pastor who manipulated me and totally tapped into my need for an approving father-figure.  He could be loving and kind and then he would shut me down with a critical remark.  He later started to blame me for his poor decisions and refused to reconcile with me.  I went to his house, trying to clear the air and he sat there so angry, I could feel it.  I knew I had make a mistake, but I forged ahead, but to no avail.  I left and years later he still lied about me to cover his failures and dishonesty.

This new church was very healing.  I served on the worship team and enjoyed the fellowship immensely.  The pastor has a truly sincere heart for evangelism and invites those who do not know Christ to come and accept Him.  He does this every week, for he does not want anyone to go to hell.

My calling is teaching, so I wanted to help the pastor's wife with her Bible study.  She critiqued the times I taught, which I found disconcerting.  I honor the material but if the Holy Spirit leads me to go off-script for a bit, I will do that.  She was not keen on that.  She told me I would be trained on the job, for this particular Bible study had required training, which she had taken years ago.  I felt as if the tether was growing shorter and shorter on the expression of my gift. 

We had an upcoming women's event, which I was going to teach, and she wanted to see my notes.  In other words, she wanted to hand off the responsibility of leading, while still maintain authority over it.  She saw it as perhaps "quality control;" I saw it as micro-management.  Her oversight was suffocating me; finally I snapped inside. 

I met with her and told her we were leaving the church.  She was shocked; I saw no other solution.  Extreme?  Perhaps, but for my sanity and healing, I had to leave.

The old me would have continued on, building up resentment and anger, then burying it deep inside.  The result?  Adding to my depression, which I battle all the time.  Yes, I am on medication, but medication does not make decisions for you.  I was not being fed; despite the earnestness of the pastor's messages, they were at times at bit shallow.  I was disturbed at the pastor's wife being involved in every ministry in the church, except for the men, and there was nothing going on for the men. 

I do not wish to build a case against this church--I needed to go.

I did exit with a heart-felt letter about why I was leaving.  The pastor accepted it well; he could have responded in anger or ignored it.  He did not, which I really appreciated. 

The pastor's wife triggered many things in me that could have led right back into a co-dependent, people-pleasing, toxic kind of relationship.  It was really hard to leave, but essential for me in this part of my healing.

I am now in church-detox. 

I love to serve and church was always a safe haven for me, after I became a Christian at 14.  My family was a mess; my church family was loving and kind to me as a tender teenager.  I always dive in to serving, long before I know the inner workings of a church.  I just assume everyone will work out their differences because they love Jesus.  Maybe, but everyone is on a different part of the pilgrim path, and not everyone is where we would like them to be.

So, now, I sit in church, worship, listen to the sermon and go home.  It is hard, because I want to jump in, but I still need time to heal.

God is kind and sometimes we are walking and other times, we are resting by the still waters.  I call my new house my "Psalm 23 Home."  I am here because God opened up the door for us to move and I love my new house.  But, after four churches where it ended poorly, I need to detox.  Church for me is like a relationship: I keep looking for needy churches and they draw me in.  I serve and love it for awhile, but then the unhealthiness emerges and it is hard for me to extricate out of it. 

I am by the still waters right now.  My soul needs restoring.  Until that happens, I will be drawn to small, needy churches where I will jump in and serve, much to my detriment.  Rehabilitation is hard, but for this co-dependent woman, it is essential.

Jesus is now more precious than ever. I am no longer lost in church trying to find Him or be distracted from my life by staying busy, busy, busy.  I am seeking to be Mary as I detox from being Martha.

Bless you, dear readers.  Hopefully, as I journey on, the Holy Spirit will use these blogs to give you clarity.  I need clarity as well; I am blessed to share my journey with you. 

CoDeWo Nightmare #2: Pleasing Family

It is hard enough to keep those people around us content:  We are on high alert all the time to meet their needs and make sure we are making them happy.  We ignore their poor decisions, distorted and chaotic thinking and believe deep inside, that if they are not happy, it is our fault and our failure.

We saw one of the early incidences in Jesus' life where He heard the call to ministry, was baptized, tempted by Satan and then, with His Father's confirmation still ringing in His ears, He went forth. 

As we saw in Luke 4, in an earlier blog, things did not go well when He united Isaiah's words as now being fulfilled in His ministry.  The reaction of the synagogue attendees was explosive when He reminded them that the good news was for everyone:  Jews as well as Gentiles.  The people angrily  lead Jesus to the edge of a cliff, to be thrown off and stoned.  He left and stay on the course prescribed for Him by His Father.

(Quick thought here:  In their distorted thinking--that the Messiah would not be like this but like their imaginings--they thought they were acting on the truth.  Our thinking can be so destructive, if if we think our motivation and heart is good...)

No doubt, Jesus' family was there that day.  They probably huddled together on the sidelines, fervently praying that Jesus would be safe.  A scary day for His mother to watch, and His brothers and sisters to wonder if He was going to have His ministry end as quickly as it had begun.  Maybe they were upset by His words as well; to think that God would extend His grace and mercy to the Gentiles was an abhorrent thought, even if it was being expressed by someone you love.

Let's go to another scene, where Jesus and His family have an encounter over what He is doing.  This time, His family is not huddling on the sidelines; they are bold, because they are afraid.  Did that day in the synagogue forever haunt them?

Let's set the scene in Mark 3.  Jesus has been busy.  He is in the synagogue again and a man with a withered hand is present.  Jesus heals him, much to the murderous rage of the Pharisees, who insisted that such an action violated the Sabbath.  He then withdraws to the lake, and is followed by huge crowds, who desperately seek Him for healing.  He retreats to a mountainside, and appoints those men who will be His closest followers, walking in His steps and being trained to one day carry on without His physical presence. 

So far, so good.  Nothing here rings my CoDeMo bells.

Now, it gets ugly: "Then Jesus entered a house, and again a crowd gathered, so that he and his disciples were not even able to eat. When his family heard about this, they went to take charge of him, for they said, 'He is out of his mind.'” (Mark 3:20-21) 

Punch No. 1:  Jesus, stop acting crazy!  You are scaring us!  This business could get You killed!

Then comes Punch No.2:  The Pharisees show up and start accusing Jesus.  They posit that He is possessed by Satan and that's where His power comes from.  Whoa.  

His family is saying He is out of His mind and the Pharisees are saying He is possessed.  Now all my bells are ringing for the displeasure, anger and chaos is huge here, and I would be scrambling to get everyone calmed down and tell them what is really going on.  But I would have to downplay or downright denigrate my calling, my ministry's legitimacy, my Father's confirmation, and how I am doing this in obedience...but I am really sorry all of you are so ticked at me!  Sorry, sorry, sorry... 

But Jesus is always about the TRUTH, not making others happy, comfortable or content with what He does.  What He does is in obedience to the Father.  

But you might be thinking:  Hold on there, Rhonda... I am not Jesus!

No, true, but the same Power that resurrected Him is in you if you have accepted Him as Savior and Lord: "And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you." (Rom. 8:11) 

Did you catch the enormity of that?  Jesus was raised to life after a hideous death by the power of God and that same Power--His very own Holy Spirit--lives in you.  So, no while you are not Jesus, you may tap into that same Power for guidance and wisdom as you walk in Him.

So, Jesus is faced with a family who thinks He is crazy and the religious leaders who think He is under the power of evil.

But His response is the truth.  No shading, diluting or trying to recreate the moment so that no one is unhappy:  He says that His family are those people who do the will of His Father, and that if you attribute the works of God to Satan, you are in danger of committing a sin of eternal proportions.  

I am learning, as I share and read along with you, that the "cure" for co-dependency is truth and The Truth.  Jesus spoke the truth in the synagogue that day: Isaiah's words were written about Him. The good news and purpose of His ministry were contained in those words.  He was saying that day, "Don't take My word for it...take the Word for what I am doing."

He reclaimed that Sabbath from an avoidance of work back to doing compassionate acts, thereby showing how His Father saw the Sabbath.  Finally, He reminded His family that family is not a biological bungee cord that allows for little movement.  Family are those people who, like Jesus, want to follow the Father with purpose and truth. 

So, truth and Jesus Himself being the Truth, the Way and the Life, is liberating for a CoDeWo like me.  If I am listening to Him in prayer and allowing Him to guide me through His Word (so I can see the real truth, not my skewed co-dependent view of it, flushed with fear and chaos) then I am being slowly set free.

Truth has its costs, as we see in the life of Jesus. How about this:  Next time you are tempted to lie, diminish or downright excuse what you believe is God's way and will for you, think of yourself in a courtroom, and ask yourself, am I telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me, God? 

Then pray for strength from the very One who called Himself, "The Truth."  It won't be easy, but real change never is. But you are not doing this stepping away from co-dependency on your own.  He goes with you.   

Shock and Awe in Jesus' Hometown

Yes:  That would have been my reaction to the event described in Luke 4: shock that people would behave this way and awe that I was in the center of such a storm.

I:  the one who avoids conflict at any cost.

I:  the one who tries to make everyone happy, basking in the approval of smiling faces and warm relationships.

I: the one who knows the truth and yet will dilute it if I see others reacting negatively.

I:  the one who would have left the synagogue long before it got this ugly.

I:  who thinks I can not only control my reaction but others' responses as well.  In other words, I believe I can control BOTH sides of an interaction and I panic when I cannot do so.

What is the basis of my response to what happened in Jesus' synagogue?  Fear.  What is the basis of Jesus and His response in His hometown synagogue?  Faith.

Miles apart, huh? What does the Word say? "Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love." (1 John 4:18) 

How did Jesus operate so freely and fearlessly, especially in the face of such hostile opposition? He dwelt in the perfect love of His Father: "And a voice from heaven said, "This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.'" (Matt. 3:17) 

This fulfills what Isaiah said about the Son: "Here is My Servant, whom I uphold, My Chosen One, in whom My soul delights. I will put My Spirit on Him, and He will bring justice to the nations." (Is. 42:1) 

Jesus stood firm in knowing that "The Father loves the Son and shows Him all He does. And to your amazement, He will show Him even greater works than these.' (John 5:21)

I know what you are thinking:  Yes, of course, that is Jesus we are talking about here. But I am me.  Ugly, codependent, fearful me.  Fearful of being abandoned, rejected and subjected to ridicule and scorn.  

But so was Jesus.  He was abandoned by His disciples at His greatest time of need; He was rejected by His own people, His hometown synagogue being just the beginning of this; and He was ridiculed and scorned as He was dying in excruciating pain and suffering. 

And yet.

And yet, he never lost sight of His Father's love, even when He felt He'd been abandoned by His Father: "From the sixth hour until the ninth hour darkness came over all the land.  About the ninth hour, Jesus cried in a loud voice...'My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?'"  (Matt. 27:45-46)

Wait.  How could the Father abandon Jesus if He loved His Son so much?  Because, for that moment, Jesus was fully under the darkness of sin--the sky registered this dramatic moment.  Not His sin--OUR sin.  Every sin, every failure, every evil ever done.  The only thing that sustained Him from giving up hope, was knowing that despite His taking on of our sin, His Father's love held.  The Father never withdrew His love; He withdrew His presence from Jesus until the sacrifice for sin was made.  Jesus was that sacrifice, and like the scapegoat in the Old Testament drive away from the people, Jesus was driven away, as it were, but not forgotten.

So, sweet CoDeWo, how does this apply to you and me? First up, if we are in Christ, we are His son or His daughter: "So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, 'Abba, Father.'  For his Spirit joins with our spirit to affirm that we are God’s children.Now if we are children, then we are heirs--heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory." (Rom. 8:15-17)

So, we are His child, in whom He is well pleased, for we are in Christ.  Covered, cleansed, set free, born anew, adopted, accepted, never abandoned, no sin too great for forgiveness...nothing can separate us from God's love.  

These verses are the CoDeWo's Declaration of Dependence (On God's Unchanging Promises):  

"What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.

Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”) No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Rom. 8:31-39)

Wow.  So when we enter our hometown synagogue, and others' hostility triggers our fear and our sense of unworthiness, go and read these verses, and ask the Holy Spirit to give you wisdom.  Sometimes this will mean, just like Jesus did, walking out the door and seeking God for the next step.

CoDeWo Nightmare #1: Jesus in His Hometown

Let’s go in deeper into Jesus’ life and see how He handled people. Ask the Holy Spirit to teach you where you could be handling someone differently not based on what you think is right, but looking at how Jesus would do it.  Yes:  this is a WWJD? moment. 

It may sound cliché, but waiting on the Holy Spirit to give you the “how” means you won’t be jumping into a situation without thinking.  Taking a moment to to evaluate what is being asked of us is good for us.  It gives us a chance to breathe and wait on Him—listening for His voice and peace.

For our first CoDeWo Nightmare, we are going to look at Luke 4:14-30.  I want to set the stage first.  Jesus has been baptized by John and was then led by the Holy Spirit into the desert to undergo an ordeal authored by Satan.  Satan, sneering at Jesus’ new found power, wants Him to compromise it and use it for personal glory, not for the Kingdom of His Father.  Once that ordeal is over, Jesus returns to Galilee, “filled with the Holy Spirit’s power.” (Luke 4:14)

In the Jordan River, God had ordained and affirmed His beautiful Son; in the desert, Satan mocked that affirmation and sought to undermine Jesus’ ministry before it began, but to no avail.  No Jesus is on His way.  

Jesus goes all over the Galilee region, and teaches in each town’s local synagogue, and He receives “praise by everyone.” (verse 15).  His ministry starts out well.

Then He goes to His hometown, Nazareth.  Everyone He grew up with lives there.  His family still resides there.  He is that local Boy making good.  He goes to the synagogue on a particular Sabbath.  Why?  The reading of the Scriptures in synagogues then and in synagogues today are cyclic.  Each portion is read at a certain time during the year, so by the year’s end, the Scriptures have been read.  Jesus comes into His hometown synagogue on the day where a specific portion of Isaiah will be read. 

Jesus is handed the scroll containing Isaiah.  He unrolls the scroll to the day's reading, and proceeds to read:

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor…(Is. 61:1-2)

He rolls up the scroll, hands it back to the attendant, and sits down.  It is the custom for the reader to comment on what has been read.  Everyone is looking at Jesus intently.  Why?  They know Him.  They watched Him grow up.  They know His laughter, His moods and His ways.  They walked past his father's shop, and saw Him at work.  They saw Him pack up and walk with His father to other towns to complete jobs.  They knew Him.  Or so they thought.

Jesus proceeds to say, “The Scripture you’ve just heard has been fulfilled this very day!” (verse 21)

The congregants are pleased:  “All spoke well of him and were amazed at the gracious words that came from his lips. ‘Isn’t this Joseph’s son?’” they asked. (verse 22)

They all knew the Scriptures.  They knew what followed Jesus’ reading: 

…and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
    and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
    instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
    instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
    instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
    a planting of the Lord
    for the display of his splendor.

They will rebuild the ancient ruins
    and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
    that have been devastated for generations.
Strangers will shepherd your flocks;
    foreigners will work your fields and vineyards.
And you will be called priests of the Lord,
    you will be named ministers of our God.
You will feed on the wealth of nations,
    and in their riches you will boast.

Instead of your shame
    you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
    you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
    and everlasting joy will be yours.

For I, the Lord, love justice;
    I hate robbery and wrongdoing.
In my faithfulness I will reward my people
    and make an everlasting covenant with them.
Their descendants will be known among the nations
    and their offspring among the peoples.
All who see them will acknowledge
    that they are a people the Lord has blessed. (Is. 61:2-9)

To those sitting in that synagogue that day, Jesus’ words are refreshing to their souls.  They are  fervent Jews, well aware of God’s restoration of Israel after the devastation wrought by the Babylonians and the captivity that lasted seventy years.  These Jews have no trouble equating their current woeful oppression under the Romans to the words read and unread ones that follow.  

They sit beaming with the knowledge that the Messiah will restore them to their former glory:  the Chosen People of God, with their own kingdom of priests, prophets and kings.

But Jesus knows what they are thinking beyond the obvious parallel to their situation.  He knows that they want miracles—spectacles, entertainment—to distract them from their dreary day to day existence.  But Jesus will not yield to their demands.  Isn’t that what the desert was all about?  There are no shortcuts to winning hearts and minds. 

Jesus now cuts to the heart of the matter:

Jesus said to them, ‘Surely you will quote this proverb to me: “Physician, heal yourself!” And you will tell me, “Do here in your hometown what we have heard that you did in Capernaum.”

‘Truly I tell you,” he continued, ‘no prophet is accepted in his hometown. I assure you that there were many widows in Israel in Elijah’s time, when the sky was shut for three and a half years and there was a severe famine throughout the land. Yet Elijah was not sent to any of them, but to a widow in Zarephath in the region of Sidon. And there were many in Israel with leprosy in the time of Elisha the prophet, yet not one of them was cleansed—only Naaman the Syrian.’ (verses 25-27)

OK.  Big deal.  Jesus gives commentary on these verses—something that is expected by the congregants. But wait a minute!  They erupt in fury.  They mob Him out of the synagogue.  They force Him to the edge of a hill with the rather unfriendly idea of pushing Him off, so they can stone Him.  Blasphemy—the dishonoring of God—demands no less, and this crowd is happy to oblige, for Jesus dishonored God with His words. 

As CoDeWo’s, this scene sets our teeth on edge.  Controversy.  Anger.  Raging conflict.  Really upset people.  Blame.  Shame.  Finger pointing.  Approval to disapproval so fast that even a falling star could not keep up.

What happened? 

As Jesus read the comforting words to the people in Isaiah, they applied the promises to now. God would restore them.  The Romans would receive the vengeance of the Lord, and His Chosen would reign in peace. They hunger for a miracle!  Jesus, with His track record, seems to be a likely candidate for a miracle of nation-changing proportions.  But Jesus has no intention of miraculously bringing about a Roman-free Israel.

Jesus has the gall to apply Isaiah’s words not to Israel alone, but to the Gentiles.  Can’t you just hear them…

• Yuck.  Those people?  Those disgusting, fornicating, murdering, arrogant Romans and all others who are not the chosen of God like we are!  He's applying the words to them and us!
• He is saying we are not the only ones upon whom God’s favor will rest!
• Zion is us, and all the best God has to give belongs to us!  Never the Gentiles!  They never follow God’s law and we do!
• Who is this guy?  He has calloused hands and is a villager, just like us.  Who does He think He is?
• Yeah, He’s citing the Scriptures accurately, but so what?  We are chosen and we have plenty of verses to prove it! 

So, Jesus, at the start of His ministry is almost killed by his hometown team.  Just the yelling and mobbing would had me back-peddling faster than a clown on speed.  Yet Jesus says nothing more.  He walks through the crowd and out of town.  No apologies, hand wringing or wanting their approval.  He walks silently away.  

There is a lesson here for us CoDeWo’s.  What is it?  We will explore that in the next installment. 

Forgive me for the long times in between posts.  We just bought a new house and life just got real crazy!  I will try my best to blog more frequently.  Thank you for your understanding and for reading my blog!

Why Do We Try to Out-Jesus Jesus?

Interesting question.  If we have accepted Jesus as Savior and Lord, and then desire to follow Him with all of our heart, why, over time, do we lose our joy and wonder if we are either really Christians or if we really know how to follow Him?

Co-dependence is not just behavior.  It is a way to see the world.  If people need me, then every problem in every person I meet is my problem.  I have actually dreaded phone calls in the past; I was certain it was yet another person needing me and depending on me to fix a problem. 

Maybe a good comparison is a firefighter.  You sit at home or you are at work, and the phone rings, a text or email comes through and off you go to fight a fire.  You might even arrive and see the person throwing gasoline on it, but you will still hunker down and help the person, because that’s what following Jesus is all about.  Right?

Wrong. 

Let’s open this up with a key scripture about what makes a follower and what does not:

When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his glorious throne. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’

They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’

He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’

Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.” (Matt. 25:31-46)

These verses are our inspiration for serving Jesus for as we serve others, we serve Him.  That is very straightforward.  The “least of these” is a clarion call to us.  Look at the categories:

·         Hungry

·         Thirsty

·         Stranger

·         Needing clothes

·         Sick

·         Prisoner

In all the years I was assisting others, none of them fell into these categories.  Perhaps a sister in law who needed money for my nieces because my brother was spending it all on drugs, but that’s as close as I got.

Look at these for a moment.  These are people who are lacking the bare necessities: food, drink and clothing.  They are helpless for they are sick.  They are the ones who have wandered in, and need a community connection.  They are isolated from the community, for they are prisoners. James will later comment:

My dear brothers and sisters, how can you claim to have faith in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ if you favor some people over others?

For example, suppose someone comes into your meeting dressed in fancy clothes and expensive jewelry, and another comes in who is poor and dressed in dirty clothes. If you give special attention and a good seat to the rich person, but you say to the poor one, “You can stand over there, or else sit on the floor”—well, doesn’t this discrimination show that your judgments are guided by evil motives?

Listen to me, dear brothers and sisters. Hasn’t God chosen the poor in this world to be rich in faith? Aren’t they the ones who will inherit the Kingdom he promised to those who love him? But you dishonor the poor! Isn’t it the rich who oppress you and drag you into court? Aren’t they the ones who slander Jesus Christ, whose noble name you bear?

Yes indeed, it is good when you obey the royal law as found in the Scriptures: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” But if you favor some people over others, you are committing a sin. You are guilty of breaking the law... There will be no mercy for those who have not shown mercy to others. But if you have been merciful, God will be merciful when he judges you. (James 2:1-9 & 13 NLT)

Makes sense, huh?  We like to associate with people who look and sound like us.  Or, we enjoy hanging out with those we admire: ones with money, status, celebrity.  The poor?  Not so much.  But James reminds us in the words of Jesus to love others as we love ourselves.  Because in the face of others is Jesus Himself.  So, in loving the lowest of the low, we are loving Him. 

The rich do not need the bare necessities of life.  When they are sick or accused of wrong, they have enough money to remedy their situation.  The poor?  No.  Mercy and love are the hallmark of those who follow Jesus.  Otherwise, if we favor the rich and disdain the poor, we are no different in our behavior than the rest of the world.

James goes on to talk about faith without works.  Again, he is being very biblical—you can’t earn salvation but you can certainly demonstrate it by what you do in Jesus’ name:

What good is it, dear brothers and sisters, if you say you have faith but don’t show it by your actions? Can that kind of faith save anyone? Suppose you see a brother or sister who has no food or clothing, and you say, “Good-bye and have a good day; stay warm and eat well”—but then you don’t give that person any food or clothing. What good does that do?

So you see, faith by itself isn’t enough. Unless it produces good deeds, it is dead and useless.

Now someone may argue, “Some people have faith; others have good deeds.” But I say, “How can you show me your faith if you don’t have good deeds? I will show you my faith by my good deeds.” (James 2:14-18)

As CoDeWo’s, we are always eager to show our faith.  Yes, some spiritual pride gets laced into what we do, and we believe if we don’t help that person, that person will never change. 

Here’s my question after pondering these verses:  Was I helping those who were lacking the bare necessities—food, drink, clothes?  Was I helping those who were sick and needed me to be by their side? Did I make someone new in my church or community feel welcomed?  Did I help by visiting someone who was in prison? 

My answer is mixed.  I saw need and I tried to meet it, but mostly I helped those who could have helped themselves.  I simply took over, making me feel good about all the good deeds I was doing.  Those I helped were appreciative, yes, but they also started acting entitled to my help.  So, I was caught up in feeling needed and yet seeing no way to stop what I was doing. 

In other words, I was trying to out-Jesus Jesus.  I was doing more than He asked for; more than He told me to do; I was on auto-pilot and felt I didn’t need to check in with Him.  I was doing His will!  Following His teaching! 

Right? 

No.  I never asked Him, “Is this Your will?”  I just assumed it was, for helping others is always His will.

Right?

Is it? 

This is where my co-dependence slid over my faith, and melted my faith into unhealthy behavior.  In the oceans, the gigantic plates the continents sit on slide under one another in what are called, “subduction zones.”  The plate sliding under its neighbor gets pushed further and further into the earth, and it goes from hard rock to melted molten rock. 

This is what I think of when I consider my faith back then.  It was pushed under others’ needs and melted into what I thought I needed to be.  I lost myself in those years, and didn’t have the rock-hard faith to say, “No,” or “I will get back to you.”  My guilt and wanting to serve Jesus motivated me to serve unhealthy people in unhealthy ways.  I lost who I was.  I didn’t stay in touch with Jesus but rolled out every morning on a mission.

So, if we follow Jesus, do we know His life intimately enough to really model Him in what we do? 

So, let’s look at Jesus’ life in how He interacted with others.  I will recount His dealings with others per the Word, and then reframe the incident in how I would have done it.  No, comparing my response and Jesus’ response will illuminate where I was.  Remember:  “The Word is a lamp onto my feet, and a light unto my path.” (Ps. 119:105) 

I need illumination in how I behaved then and how I can truly follow Him now. I was so in the dark back then.  But His Word will give me the alternative to a co-dependent way of seeing life. 

 

A Spiritually Healthy Produce Section

We see the fruits of the Spirit from Galatians 5 on mugs, t-shirts and posters.  Sadly, we see them less often in the lives of those who call themselves Christians.  Most often, we don’t see them in our lives, or the fruits are tiny little green things.  Even if we desire to have these fruits, that is not enough.  We need the Holy Spirit working in and through us in order to have these fruits come about. 

A grapevine in a vineyard cannot simply produce fruit.  It must draw nutrients from the soil; energy from the sun; pollination from bees and birds and a stable environment from which to do all these things.  Jesus made it abundantly clear that the life He gives is the only way Christians produce fruit:

"Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me." (John 15:4)

Why are we to produce fruit? Jesus says, "I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples." (John 15:5-8)

Our fruit, the greatest one being love, glorifies God and shows that His Spirit is indeed working in us.

So, you are no different from a grapevine. You must draw “nutrients” from His Word; energy from the Son; “pollination” (fellowship) from other believers and a stable environment from which to do all these things.

Being in a codependent relationship is very destabilizing, for you never know what the other person is going to demand of you.  You may yearn for the Spirit’s fruits, but you have roots in a ground that is constantly shifting, for unhealthy people are always in some kind of chaos and are living compromised lives.  They may love Jesus, but their decisions, attitude and lifestyle undermine what they say.  Their soil washes into yours and next thing you know, you are drawing sustenance from toxic soil.  Let’s go and inspect each fruit from the perspective of a CoDeWo.  Be open.  Listen to His Spirit.  You are not condemned if you are falling short.  Christ wants these fruits in us.  Why?  To glorify His Father.  These fruits give us a satisfying life, even when challenges arise. 

Love: As CoDeWo’s, we think we are loving as we reach out to broken people.  We view everyone as victims; any time we consider taking a step back and looking objectively at someone, we feel we are being unsympathetic, unloving and unchristian.  We long for others to love us, approve of us and make us feel as if we have a purpose in this world.  We are looking for love in all the wrong places. 

For those we rescue, they see love as a never-ending shopping list of needs they hand off to us.  These people, with their inner brokenness, will not be satisfied with what we do for them, because what we do will not fix their longings.  Broken people want love like everyone else, but they want it conditionally:  we must be there all the time for them, always loyal and always sympathetic.  We must be willing to listen to them over and over again.  We must reinforce their victimhood by agreeing with their view of the world and themselves. 

Joy: CoDeWo’s find joy when we bask under the warmth of someone’s approval.  We are joyful in thinking we are really making a difference in someone’s life.  Whenever we see the people we are rescuing actually do something positive, we rejoice.  But joy as a CoDeWo is always short-lived: There is always the next crisis around the corner.  Broken people identify with their brokenness.  The see themselves as either doing fine and everyone one else is at fault, or they are victims with no choice in their lives.  Joy is completely elusive to them.  If they have any joy, it is because they have created a circle of rescuers who validate their situation.

Peace: We know that Jesus is the Prince of Peace, but peace for us quickly disappears when our phone rings.  Our peace of mind evaporates when we then must ponder all the ways we can improve the person’s situation.  Their lack of peace become ours.  I had a friend whose only peace came when she was out of cell phone range.  Otherwise, her phone rang day and night, and sadly, she would always answer it.  One time, she ran off at 3 o’clock in the morning to help someone whose parole officer had shown up.  The parole officer found this this person in violation of his parole; she felt she had to run and comfort him, despite his poor decision. Broken people’s lives will be anything but peaceful.  They are in situations where chaos is normal.  They are waiting for the crisis, and so are you.

Longsuffering: Our CoDeWo’s lives are certainly longsuffering, but, not in a biblical way.  I was co-dependent for my whole life.  I was always suffering on someone’s account.  All of my "rescuees," despite the hours and hours I spent with them, went their own way, with disastrous results.  So, the longsuffering we experience is not only watching people make the same mistakes over and over, but watching the consequences play out over the years.  Maybe we feel more spiritual than others for our suffering mimics Jesus’—but codependent suffering is not why Jesus suffered. Broken people cannot imagine life any other way.  Life is a vale of tears; their brokenness means that suffering, chaos and frustration is woven into everyday life and they see no way out of it.  The only thing they can do is draw you in and include you in their suffering.  Misery truly does love company.  

Gentleness:  This word in the Greek includes the meaning of “Usefulness, i.e. morally, excellence (in character or demeanor).”  It is hard for us to be gentle if we are partnering with people who are sinning to survive their broken lives.  Do we stand by while they lie?  Manipulate?  Snub us if we aren’t 100% loyal?  Do we give their pride full rein because we fear telling them the truth and knowing that they will treat us badly as a result? Or do we see this fruit as a kind of doormat, allowing others to walk on us all the time?  Broken people will survive any way they can.  They will compromise, tell lies and twist the truth in order to maintain their status as a victim.  Moral excellence is not compatible with survival mode living.

Goodness: We CoDeWo’s are good people.  We populate a lot of churches, with a sincere desire to ease suffering in others.  We are thus easily manipulated into situations by people who are on the look out for people like us.  Perhaps we started out as friends on a healthy level, but over time we saw red flags, indicating something was not quite right.  But we assumed that because we love Jesus and the person we are helping loves Jesus, we are both good people.  Maybe so, but survival mode makes people do things that are for their benefit alone.  Your goodness puts you right in their crossfire. 

Broken people find it hard to maintain goodness.  They use people for help them get by.  They tell others how they have been so wronged by the world.  They fail to tell the whole truth, for that would show they have contributed to their woe.  They may have good qualities.  But in order to survive, they tap into their pride to cover their fear and insecurity.  Pride is poisonous to goodness.

Faith:  Faith is God’s gift to us and we respond back with the very gift He gave us. The only thing God asks of us is to ask Him.   But CoDeWo’s add personal striving to their faith.  In other words, our faith becomes slowly tainted with works.  I may have faith that God will work in me but when I don’t see Him moving quickly enough, we saddle up and ride out to save someone.  We have faith but we add our own effort to the spiritual mix.  Faith is a stand alone fruit; Christ’s death on the cross saw to that: we can add nothing to the gift of faith.  But in the moment, we add our unhealthy selves to our faith and out the door we go.  Broken people want fixing and they want it now.  They are not prepared to wait as you wait upon the Lord for guidance, and they have lost faith that God will act in their lives, so they turn to you.  They have faith in you and that feeds your need for approval.  Broken people have a view of God that is layered with their own broken relationship.  Abusive father, abusive God.  Abandoned by loved ones, abandoned by God.  Uncaring God didn’t stop the sexual abuse; uncaring God will not stop this current issue either.  Our trauma affects how we think and respond; a broken person will respond in a way that requires you to assist.  Faith in a loving God is elusive to such a person; you by stepping in will become the object of that person faith and dysfunctional thinking. 

Meekness:  A meek person is one who is gentle and humble.  But without the strength, guidance and guidance that comes from waiting on Jesus and hearing His voice on how to respond, we CoDeWo’s are targeted and then manipulated by broken people.  They see meekness as weakness.  Jesus was meek but He was never weak. Gentleness and humility is not synonymous with being a victim.  People who are weak, helpless and unable to help themselves are operating from a kind of learned helplessness; they know that good Christian people will step up and step in.  Trust me, however:  if you fail to meet their needs, they will discard you and find someone else. 

Temperance:  Here’s great definition:  “Self-control (the virtue of one who masters his desires and passions, esp. his sensual appetites).”  OK:  Let’s consider that enabling someone with a lack of self-control or an addiction (or both) will never help them to overcome this challenge.  A CoDeWo helps this someone in the name of keeping the domestic peace or showing the love of Jesus (or both) and as a result, totally allows the person to carry on and not change.  Why would this broken person change?  Like a baby, the enabled person’s needs are met with little or no personal responsibility.  We, as CoDeWo’s, like to feel needed, and we will ignore any red flags that tell us that we are not helping the person but enabling them.  What is the difference?  When we enable broken people, we do things for them that they could do for themselves.  We think we are compassionately helping them, but we are really reinforcing their sense of being helpless victims.  Their view of the world is it is always against them; they cannot crawl out of the pit because they’ll just get pushed back in; they need you to help them because they are overwhelmed by their lot in life.  Thus, any thing that goes wrong will reinforce their learned helplessness, make you work harder and draw you deeper in feeling responsible for their lives.  They feel they need you; you feel needed, so the bonds draw tighter.  All the while you have a niggling question:  why, despite all the things you do and suggest, nothing ever changes in these people’s lives?  The same chaos year after year prevails, and why is there never any change?  You must exercise self-control, not as a fruitful quality, where the truth prevails, but in keeping these broken people happy.  Broken people do not wan the truth; they want to continue as victims. It is so much easier than taking personal responsibility for their lives.      

These verses in Galatians end with how we inspect our fruit: "Against such things there is no law. Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.  Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other."(Gal. 5:24-26)

Either we are operating in the Spirit or in the flesh.  Sadly, as CoDeWo’s, we operate in the flesh.  It hurts to say this, but it is true.  This is why, despite loving Jesus and walking in Him for so many years, my Christian life is filled with one co-dependent failure after another.  Only recently, have I seen that co-dependent behavior is not in harmony with Jesus.  It is a kind of identity crisis; it is not easy to recalibrate my life at almost 60, but I see that it is essential if I am to walk in the Spirit.