I have been enrolled at Intense Codependent University
for decades. I didn’t want this blog to
focus on my stories. I wanted to emphasize
the hope and healing I have in Jesus. I
am not an expert on codependence; I have just lived it, in one version or
another.
CoDeWo’s are loving, kind and deeply concerned
about other people’s welfare. We are
uncomfortable about boundaries and saying no; we derive spiritual pride from
being always available with good advice for people and we want others to be
happy. Our good heart is mixed with broken beliefs about
ourselves and others. We may not seem as
broken as the broken person we are trying to help; we may justify our own
supposed healthiness by saying,
Hey! That person came to me! She must see I am strong and have good things
to say!
But in losing our identity to others’ approval, by
never having boundaries that allow people in and out of our lives at their will
and never probing too deeply as to what is really going on, we engage in our
own kind of broken behavior.
We need Jesus and His healing. The person we are trying to rescue needs Jesus and
His healing as well. Both parties need time.
Don’t you ever resent being used? You won’t admit it, but wouldn’t you like to
scream,
Fix it yourself! You got into this mess! Get yourself out of it!
We may never say such a thing. Even thinking it puts us smack-dab into the
hurricane winds of guilt. Result? We
run out the door on a rescue mission. But... The rescuer and the rescuee both need a deeper walk
in Christ.
Why do people use us? We let them.
We see no other way to be in a relationship. But if we step away for a moment, and look at them
with compassion, aren’t they just in survival mode? They never had their needs met, and now if we
become the way for them to do so, why wouldn’t they take advantage of us? They are manipulating us because they want to
keep on with their lives, and if we provide an easier way to do so, they will
use us.
Think of an angler fish. It’s in the deep dark of the ocean and has a
lighted bulb at the end of a long skinny protrusion on its head. A little fish comes swimming by and sees this
light. It’s attracted to it and swims
closer. The angler fish’s mouth is open
wide and once the fish, who cannot see anything but the light, draws too near… Gulp!
There is now one less fish in the world. Is that cruel?
Isn’t the angler fish deceiving the little fish, by exploiting its
innate attraction to light? Yes. But why?
The angler fish wants to survive and meals in the deep dark are hard to
come by. It is in survival mode as it
waves that deadly light.
Broken People
The saying, “Hurt people hurt people” is as true as
it can be. All of the people I sought to
rescue were, at their deepest core, broken.
Sexual abuse, broken families, time in Viet Nam, mental instability,
mental illness, overwhelming pride hiding terrible insecurity, deep anxiety and
mind-numbing fear caused the people I tried to help to always be in survival
mode. They did whatever they could to
get through their lives. If that included using me, then so be it. They weren’t being deceptive in a malicious way;
they saw me as making their lives easier.
I opened the door and in they walked.
All of my codependent relationships ended
badly. These relationships lasted years
and despite endless amounts of time helping, listening, loaning money and
praying, I never saw any change. That
doesn’t mean they haven’t changed since our time together; just during the
period I knew them, I saw the same attitudes and behaviors over and over again. The relationships ended badly because broken
people have a hard time sustaining relationships. That is true on both sides. I had a hard time being with centered people
who didn’t need me. I gravitated only to
those whom I perceived needed me.
Now, at 60 years old, I seek out centered people,
but deep inside, I still feel a bit ill at ease. I am still undergoing His healing. I try to no
longer beat myself up when I slip. I accepted Christ at 14, and He has guided me from
that time on. I have still drunk deeply
from the well of codependence, but without Him, I sincerely shiver at what my
life would have been like.
What have I learned at ICU?
·
I would have been more pro-active with broken people by being more willing to speak the truth in love with them.
·
I would have let certain relationships go sooner
when I realized how much I was being lied to and manipulated.
·
I would given a second chance out of grace and
compassion as opposed to 4,321 second chances I gave the person.
·
I would have prioritize my immediate family with
more urgency and closed the door on those who would or could not respect that.
·
I would have tried to work things out, knowing
that I could not control how the person would respond. I can only control what I say and do. If the person did not want to work things
out, I would have left sooner.
·
I would have realized that relationships with
mentally ill people and mentally unstable people will be one-sided; these
people do not have the capacity to reciprocate friendship or get better with
non-professional help such as mine.
·
I would have done a lot more face to face
conversations, relying on Jesus to give me the words and the wisdom on how to
proceed.
·
I would have listened to family members, and
gotten their perspective, instead of instantly seeing the person as a victim of
everyone, especially family.
·
I would have realized that even people who love
Jesus can use people.
·
I would have seen pastors as people; they too
can be terribly broken and hide behind their ministry so no one will see how
broken they are. I would have stayed a
bit more distant and not looked up to them for everything. Only Jesus is perfect.
·
I would have stayed more focused on God as my
father-figure; human beings are fragile and will hurt even the ones they
love.
·
I would have put on the brakes way sooner on
those people who I sensed were relying way too heavily on me and not the
Lord. I would have reminded them and
myself of the One we follow and how we should go to His Word for answers.
·
Hurt families hurt families. If you don’t prioritize you family from those
who would monopolize your life (even extended family!) no one else will.
·
Sometimes it is very hard to walk away from a
relationship. But I would have put up
firmer boundaries and ignored the guilt.
Fences have gates: I would have been better at choosing who to let in,
who not let in, and who to slowly close the gate on, limiting access. Again, I would need Jesus to help me do this.
·
I would not have given my power away in order to
appease people. I associated anger with
violence; I worked hard to keep people happy.
I now know anger and discontentment is inevitable in some relationships,
and I won’t get beat up when it happens. Respect on both sides maintains a
balance of power; each person listens respectfully and responds respectfully to
one another. Relationships must have
balance. If a friendship is constantly unbalanced, I must reevaluate it.
·
I would not have been desperate for friends, and
thus ignored the red flags.
·
People cannot meet my needs; only Jesus can.
·
Jesus is my Healer; church, friendships,
pastors, and family can all give me gems of wisdom but only Jesus can touch my
deepest wounds.
My experiences over the years drove me deeper in
enabling others. You would think it
would have had the opposite effect and made me question how I interacted with
others. It didn’t. Each failure made me want to try even harder
the next time. There was always a next time. Then one day, I hit a wall. I was just too tired to rescue anymore.
A New Way of Life
I have had to relearn how to approach others. My daughter, who is a wonderful social
worker, had a lot to do with enlightening me.
She made me see another perspective, one that did not involve doing
everything for everybody. At first I
thought she was mean and cruel to others, for she was unwilling to enable the
people in her life, and she advised me to do the same.
How could I?
But each time I realized my resentment and
depression were telling me that I needed a new way of dealing with people, I
tried little ways of pulling back. It
was tough.
Is it still hard?
Yes, I am still learning how to love others without being
co-dependent. But just as that little
caterpillar goes through an awful lot to become a butterfly, so too must
I. But I not alone. My newer friendships now are nice and
calm. My family stands by me. Jesus is with my every step of the way.
I will close with a story. When I was little, I found a caterpillar
struggling to get out of a cocoon that had fallen on the ground. I thought I was being helpful as I peel away
the layers of the cocoon in my effort to release the new butterfly within. To my horror, I was also pulling away its
wings. The wings were wrapped up in the
layers and part of its struggle was to strengthen its wing muscles and let the
wings separate and dry out. I, in my
hurt for this little creature, killed it.
It is painful but true. But if we step in and try to “help” people
who need to go through God’s process (not ours) for them, we may tear off
their wings.
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