What Did I Learn at "ICU"?

I have been enrolled at Intense Codependent University for decades.  I didn’t want this blog to focus on my stories.  I wanted to emphasize the hope and healing I have in Jesus.  I am not an expert on codependence; I have just lived it, in one version or another.  

CoDeWo’s are loving, kind and deeply concerned about other people’s welfare.  We are uncomfortable about boundaries and saying no; we derive spiritual pride from being always available with good advice for people and we want others to be happy.  Our good heart is mixed with broken beliefs about ourselves and others.  We may not seem as broken as the broken person we are trying to help; we may justify our own supposed healthiness by saying,

Hey!  That person came to me!  She must see I am strong and have good things to say!

But in losing our identity to others’ approval, by never having boundaries that allow people in and out of our lives at their will and never probing too deeply as to what is really going on, we engage in our own kind of broken behavior.

We need Jesus and His healing.  The person we are trying to rescue needs Jesus and His healing as well.  Both parties need time. 

Don’t you ever resent being used?  You won’t admit it, but wouldn’t you like to scream,

Fix it yourself!  You got into this mess!  Get yourself out of it!

We may never say such a thing.  Even thinking it puts us smack-dab into the hurricane winds of guilt.  Result?  We run out the door on a rescue mission.  But... The rescuer and the rescuee both need a deeper walk in Christ.    

Why do people use us?  We let them.  We see no other way to be in a relationship.  But if we step away for a moment, and look at them with compassion, aren’t they just in survival mode?  They never had their needs met, and now if we become the way for them to do so, why wouldn’t they take advantage of us?  They are manipulating us because they want to keep on with their lives, and if we provide an easier way to do so, they will use us.

Think of an angler fish.  It’s in the deep dark of the ocean and has a lighted bulb at the end of a long skinny protrusion on its head.  A little fish comes swimming by and sees this light.  It’s attracted to it and swims closer.  The angler fish’s mouth is open wide and once the fish, who cannot see anything but the light, draws too near…  Gulp!  There is now one less fish in the world.  Is that cruel?  Isn’t the angler fish deceiving the little fish, by exploiting its innate attraction to light?  Yes.  But why?  The angler fish wants to survive and meals in the deep dark are hard to come by.  It is in survival mode as it waves that deadly light.

Broken People

The saying, “Hurt people hurt people” is as true as it can be.  All of the people I sought to rescue were, at their deepest core, broken.  Sexual abuse, broken families, time in Viet Nam, mental instability, mental illness, overwhelming pride hiding terrible insecurity, deep anxiety and mind-numbing fear caused the people I tried to help to always be in survival mode.  They did whatever they could to get through their lives. If that included using me, then so be it. They weren’t being deceptive in a malicious way; they saw me as making their lives easier.  I opened the door and in they walked.   

All of my codependent relationships ended badly.  These relationships lasted years and despite endless amounts of time helping, listening, loaning money and praying, I never saw any change.  That doesn’t mean they haven’t changed since our time together; just during the period I knew them, I saw the same attitudes and behaviors over and over again.  The relationships ended badly because broken people have a hard time sustaining relationships.  That is true on both sides.  I had a hard time being with centered people who didn’t need me.  I gravitated only to those whom I perceived needed me.  

Now, at 60 years old, I seek out centered people, but deep inside, I still feel a bit ill at ease. I am still undergoing His healing. I try to no longer beat myself up when I slip.  I accepted Christ at 14, and He has guided me from that time on.  I have still drunk deeply from the well of codependence, but without Him, I sincerely shiver at what my life would have been like. 

What have I learned at ICU? 

·         I would have been more pro-active with broken people by being more willing to speak the truth in love with them. 

·         I would have let certain relationships go sooner when I realized how much I was being lied to and manipulated. 

·         I would given a second chance out of grace and compassion as opposed to 4,321 second chances I gave the person.

·         I would have prioritize my immediate family with more urgency and closed the door on those who would or could not respect that.

·         I would have tried to work things out, knowing that I could not control how the person would respond.  I can only control what I say and do.  If the person did not want to work things out, I would have left sooner.

·         I would have realized that relationships with mentally ill people and mentally unstable people will be one-sided; these people do not have the capacity to reciprocate friendship or get better with non-professional help such as mine.

·         I would have done a lot more face to face conversations, relying on Jesus to give me the words and the wisdom on how to proceed.

·         I would have listened to family members, and gotten their perspective, instead of instantly seeing the person as a victim of everyone, especially family.

·         I would have realized that even people who love Jesus can use people.

·         I would have seen pastors as people; they too can be terribly broken and hide behind their ministry so no one will see how broken they are.   I would have stayed a bit more distant and not looked up to them for everything.  Only Jesus is perfect.

·         I would have stayed more focused on God as my father-figure; human beings are fragile and will hurt even the ones they love. 

·         I would have put on the brakes way sooner on those people who I sensed were relying way too heavily on me and not the Lord.  I would have reminded them and myself of the One we follow and how we should go to His Word for answers.  

·         Hurt families hurt families.  If you don’t prioritize you family from those who would monopolize your life (even extended family!) no one else will. 

·         Sometimes it is very hard to walk away from a relationship.  But I would have put up firmer boundaries and ignored the guilt.  Fences have gates: I would have been better at choosing who to let in, who not let in, and who to slowly close the gate on, limiting access.  Again, I would need Jesus to help me do this.   

·         I would not have given my power away in order to appease people.  I associated anger with violence; I worked hard to keep people happy.  I now know anger and discontentment is inevitable in some relationships, and I won’t get beat up when it happens. Respect on both sides maintains a balance of power; each person listens respectfully and responds respectfully to one another.  Relationships must have balance. If a friendship is constantly unbalanced, I must reevaluate it.

·         I would not have been desperate for friends, and thus ignored the red flags.

·         People cannot meet my needs; only Jesus can.

·         Jesus is my Healer; church, friendships, pastors, and family can all give me gems of wisdom but only Jesus can touch my deepest wounds.

My experiences over the years drove me deeper in enabling others.  You would think it would have had the opposite effect and made me question how I interacted with others.  It didn’t.  Each failure made me want to try even harder the next time.  There was always a next time.  Then one day, I hit a wall.  I was just too tired to rescue anymore.

A New Way of Life

I have had to relearn how to approach others.  My daughter, who is a wonderful social worker, had a lot to do with enlightening me.  She made me see another perspective, one that did not involve doing everything for everybody.  At first I thought she was mean and cruel to others, for she was unwilling to enable the people in her life, and she advised me to do the same. 

How could I?

But each time I realized my resentment and depression were telling me that I needed a new way of dealing with people, I tried little ways of pulling back.  It was tough.

Is it still hard?  Yes, I am still learning how to love others without being co-dependent.  But just as that little caterpillar goes through an awful lot to become a butterfly, so too must I.  But I not alone.  My newer friendships now are nice and calm.  My family stands by me.  Jesus is with my every step of the way.

I will close with a story.  When I was little, I found a caterpillar struggling to get out of a cocoon that had fallen on the ground.  I thought I was being helpful as I peel away the layers of the cocoon in my effort to release the new butterfly within.  To my horror, I was also pulling away its wings.  The wings were wrapped up in the layers and part of its struggle was to strengthen its wing muscles and let the wings separate and dry out.  I, in my hurt for this little creature, killed it.

It is painful but true.  But if we step in and try to “help” people who need to go through God’s process (not ours) for them, we may tear off their wings.